Sometimes I need to be alone, so that I can come to grips with the immense loneliness that plagues my core. You would think that being alone would exacerbate the issue. It is solely during these moments of solitude that I am forced to face this demon. In truth we are designed to be in communion with those whom surround us, but a centered self is requisite to the health of each of those tangent relationships. Sometimes, I am so deeply anguished that I can’t even comprehend the angle from which my pain is coming. I don’t believe it’s a chemical imbalance, rather a lack of proper adjustment within my psyche. It’s as though I am constantly forgetting who I am and yet eternally attempting to get back to that place; like Sisyphus or some deranged lunatic. Maybe it has something to do with the struggle for self-actualization.
It definitely has a lot to do with being isolated as a child. I was a loner from about 8 years old due to various circumstances and trauma. I think that the time I spent in administrative segregation during my teen years was detrimental to my mental wellbeing, but few people actually give a damn about that and I doubt that anyone will ever address the issue. I believe that this type of social conditioning is the method by which certain entities can serve their interests by populating prisons for pecuniary gain.
What I do know is that the only way to break loneliness is to face it; and get comfortable. I can totally enjoy myself… I mean I’m a full on weirdo. Once I do get comfortable I can totally entertain myself; again a bit of a loony toon am I. Coming full circle, I’m finally able (allowed) to interact with others. Self is centered and ready to play with others. It seems like an oxymoron, but I think it’s an adept paradigm.
Another thing I’ve noticed during my earth-tenure, is that people don’t want to roll with super needy persons… well, codependents relish the torture. Healthy fish on the other hand, go to school with other healthy fish. In any case, this is my catharsis for today and I bid you all adieux and adieux.